Tag Archives: life

Silly Silly Valentine’s Day…

11 Feb

I have an ongoing love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. I wasn’t a huge fan in school, absolutely hated it when I was married and then I met Hawks. He gave me the first good Valentine’s I’d ever had. I’m not going to go into details but to sum it up, we boinked & we boinked well.

Anyways, I can live with or without V-Day. I’ve decided that since our anniversary is 5 days from V-Day & has been for the last three years & will be for many more that I no longer get have to celebrate it. Woah! I just realized I completed that thought with penis logic. Go me! We can just celebrate our anniversary, right? And we can do that anytime between February 9th & February 14th. Oh yea, totally. We still get the lovey dovey day discount wherever we go – benefit SCORE! Three course dinner for two only $25.99… Uhuh.

I was thinking about this last night… why do I still feel bitter about Valentine’s Day? I have a great man in my life. I feel loved. The color pink doesn’t make me vomit. So what is it?

I’ve come up with this theory – I hate the commercialized fantasy that is created in my head. That’s right. It’s my own fault but I can place blame on the media too. I see a commercial — there’s a storm, she’s scared of the thunder, fireplace nicely lit in the background. Thunder hits again, she jumps, he’s there, right behind her to soothe her fears and then BAM! He busts out a gorgeous necklace & promises that he will be there for her forever.


That shit does not happen in real-life. Every kiss does not begin with “Kay”, sometimes it begins with a couple Long Island Ice Teas at Harbour Lights on Mass Street, which leads to other dirty dirty things. I digress. So I guess my problem is this fairytale crap has me disillusioned. I see this stuff & then I build it up in my head. Sure this could happen, right? I work my 2nd job, it’s our anniversary, I don’t get off until midnight, I come in the house, everyone is asleep, I flip on the kitchen light & there’s flowers on the bar – BAM! Actually no, not bam because this didn’t happen. This is what I mean, all this commercialism creates a false fantasy in womens heads.

Love isn’t a one-day a year event, sponsored by Hallmark, Hershey’s Kisses, and the American Florists Association! Are you trying to increase America’s suicide rate? If you can’t show someone you love them the other 364, then what’s the point? Sometimes Mostly always the commercialized scenarios just don’t happen, not even on February 14th of any year. That’s life. It sucks & we deal.

Valentine’s Day – I love your chalky conversation hearts & chocolate I can buy the day after at 50% off but other than that, please show your self out cause I don’t need ya.




The Trip to Walmart

19 Jan

I pride myself on being the cool mom. No, seriously. I have to be the cool mom (within reason, let’s not get crazy now, someone might lose an eye!). My kids know that they can pretty much talk to me about anything pretty much anything.

I don’t like taking any of the kids with me when I have to run to the store. Mainly because they still live in that “Omg buy me this!” “I’ll just die if I don’t have that!” and “oops it must of just fallen in the basket” phase.  Well tonight I broke my own rule & took the 11 & 14 yr old boys with me. D’awww – shopping with Mommy. Honestly I just needed laundry soap before I heard the man explain to me again about how he has no jeans for work.  I mean I just need to buy one thing, what could go wrong. We get in & we get out.

That was plan, but it went down like this…

Remember the part of cool mom, and being able to talk to me? Yea, keep that all in mind.

My 14 yr old, Brody, is a freshman and in P.E. the coach/teacher handed out pedometers as a class project to record “steps” on each student. Nice idea right? Get active you video game playing couch zombies!  Whatever. I’m all for it. So back to Walmart. Keep up with me here… Brody & I walk by an endcap set up displaying the glorious Shake Weight®. You know that joke of “exercise equipment” that we’ve all made a joke about at some point? Yea, *that* Shake Weight®. So Brody looks & laughs, then says, “So you know that pedometer project for P.E?” I say, “Yea, hows that going?” to which he replies,”Well we turned them in today & you know what my friend did?” At this point I’m thinking the good ole’ Shake Weight® must of triggered this convo, so I say, “Attached his to a Shake Weight?” Brody laughs & says, “Um no, he attached it to his watch and masturbated. Collected 80k steps too!” My jaw drops! Did he just say “masturbated”? That kid is not only a genius… wait, what? I am not having this convo with my 14 yr old in Walmart! I’m not! I may be a cool mom, but seriously “Woah!” I’m still just “Woah” and this happened like 30 minutes ago. I guess I should appreciate the fact that my kids *do* feel like they can tell me anything, however they may change when they realize I facebooked/blogged this shit.

Not to leave my little, also completely hilarious 11 year old crotch fruit, Goop, out of this story, I’ll give you his random “trip home from Walmart” funnies.

Brody: So you know you have to carry stuff in & show your worth.

Goop: You’re only worth a penny!

Me: Now now (while stroking Goop’s hair) that’s not true, you are both worth at least $1500 earned income credit each.

Goop: Well I was worth more but they said I had to give you half.


Goop antagonizes Brody over something stupid.

Brody: You’re such a snerf!

Goop looks at me dead serious & says, “I think he’s hitting on me.”

Welcome to the glimpse that is my life & the 30 minute trip I took with kids in tow to Walmart.


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