The Trip to Walmart

19 Jan

I pride myself on being the cool mom. No, seriously. I have to be the cool mom (within reason, let’s not get crazy now, someone might lose an eye!). My kids know that they can pretty much talk to me about anything pretty much anything.

I don’t like taking any of the kids with me when I have to run to the store. Mainly because they still live in that “Omg buy me this!” “I’ll just die if I don’t have that!” and “oops it must of just fallen in the basket” phase.  Well tonight I broke my own rule & took the 11 & 14 yr old boys with me. D’awww – shopping with Mommy. Honestly I just needed laundry soap before I heard the man explain to me again about how he has no jeans for work.  I mean I just need to buy one thing, what could go wrong. We get in & we get out.

That was plan, but it went down like this…

Remember the part of cool mom, and being able to talk to me? Yea, keep that all in mind.

My 14 yr old, Brody, is a freshman and in P.E. the coach/teacher handed out pedometers as a class project to record “steps” on each student. Nice idea right? Get active you video game playing couch zombies!  Whatever. I’m all for it. So back to Walmart. Keep up with me here… Brody & I walk by an endcap set up displaying the glorious Shake Weight®. You know that joke of “exercise equipment” that we’ve all made a joke about at some point? Yea, *that* Shake Weight®. So Brody looks & laughs, then says, “So you know that pedometer project for P.E?” I say, “Yea, hows that going?” to which he replies,”Well we turned them in today & you know what my friend did?” At this point I’m thinking the good ole’ Shake Weight® must of triggered this convo, so I say, “Attached his to a Shake Weight?” Brody laughs & says, “Um no, he attached it to his watch and masturbated. Collected 80k steps too!” My jaw drops! Did he just say “masturbated”? That kid is not only a genius… wait, what? I am not having this convo with my 14 yr old in Walmart! I’m not! I may be a cool mom, but seriously “Woah!” I’m still just “Woah” and this happened like 30 minutes ago. I guess I should appreciate the fact that my kids *do* feel like they can tell me anything, however they may change when they realize I facebooked/blogged this shit.

Not to leave my little, also completely hilarious 11 year old crotch fruit, Goop, out of this story, I’ll give you his random “trip home from Walmart” funnies.

Brody: So you know you have to carry stuff in & show your worth.

Goop: You’re only worth a penny!

Me: Now now (while stroking Goop’s hair) that’s not true, you are both worth at least $1500 earned income credit each.

Goop: Well I was worth more but they said I had to give you half.


Goop antagonizes Brody over something stupid.

Brody: You’re such a snerf!

Goop looks at me dead serious & says, “I think he’s hitting on me.”

Welcome to the glimpse that is my life & the 30 minute trip I took with kids in tow to Walmart.



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